Archer's Picture Imperfect Day
by Red Witch
Summary: Surely even Sterling Archer can't mess up a simple courier assignment for the CIA? Oh wait...


**Archer took off with the disclaimer telling you all that I don't own any Archer characters again. Here's a little idea about a secret mission for the CIA that Archer didn't do. Literally…**

 **Archer's Picture Imperfect Day**

"Mother will you **relax** already?" Archer groaned into his phone. "I've got this!"

"Sterling this is important!" Mallory spoke into her phone at the office. "You cannot screw up this mission!"

"Don't worry about it! Geeze you don't have to call me every five minutes to tell me what to do," Archer grumbled as he took a drink. "Back off! I know what I'm doing!"

"That'll be a first."

"Look I've already picked up the package whatever it is," Archer told her. "The only thing I need to do is deliver it to the secret CIA drop off point in Coney Island."

"And do **not** open it!" Mallory snapped. "The CIA was very insistent about it!"

"I won't! God! Mother! Give it a rest already!" Archer snapped. "I have done this before you know?"

"Right. And half the time you screw it up! When you get back do **not** tell anyone where you went," Mallory went on.

"Fine! As far as anyone knows I snuck out to a bar to get a drink!" Archer scoffed.

"Good. That's a believable cover story," Mallory sighed. "So where are you now?"

"At a bar having a drink," Archer told her.

"Sterling Mallory Archer…" Mallory's voice grew higher.

"It's called establishing a cover story! Maybe you've heard the expression the best lies are those that have a hint of truth in it?" Archer interrupted. "I will do it! Get off my back and let me get on with my mission!"

"Do not screw this up! And don't open the package or so help me…" Mallory hissed.

"Goodbye Mother! I'd love to chat and have you nitpick at me but I have a mission to complete! See you later!" Archer hung up the phone. "Every time! Every freaking time!"

"Sound like your mother is a bit of a head case."

"You don't know the half of it," Archer groaned. He turned around and saw a relatively attractive red haired woman with red glasses in a red dress. "Hello…"

"Let me guess, your mother hates your choice of career and complains about it every chance she gets," The woman smirked.

"Close. She sort of chose my career and complains about how I do it," Archer preened. "Sterling Archer. CIA agent."

"I'm Rose. So what is a CIA agent doing at a bar early in the afternoon?" Rose asked. "I'm only ask because I'm an incorrigible drunk."

"As luck would have it so am I," Archer grinned in anticipation of his next conquest. "But I'm supposed to deliver this secret package for the CIA. And my mother is constantly on my case on how to do my job."

"Ugh. Join the club," Rose waved. "Don't ask me what I do because it's not good enough for my mother and it never will be."

"Wow you and I have so much in common," Archer waved for another drink. "You want a scotch?"

"Bourbon and coke. I had a late night," Rose said. "So what's in the package?"

"Dunno. But my mother insisted that I don't open it," Archer looked at the package. "Which means I have to open it."

"Sounds like a plan," Rose smirked. "Just be careful to open it so…"

Archer ripped open the package. "So you can reseal it without anyone knowing that you opened it," Rose blinked.

"Ah it'll be fine," Archer waved. "Huh. It's some kind of microfilm."

"I know a place where you can develop it," Rose said. "And there's some free drinks."

"Well what are we waiting for?" Archer grinned.

Soon Archer found himself in a dark room with Rose and a black man wearing a red T-shirt, jeans and glasses somewhere. "So Deke what have we got here?" Rose asked.

"Looks like these pictures were taken at some official building or something," Deke said.

"I think that's the British Embassy. I wonder what the CIA wants with those pictures?" Archer wondered aloud. "Pretty detailed pictures…"

"Is the CIA **spying** on our own allies?" Rose asked.

"Probably," Archer shrugged. "Hey are there any drinks here or…?"

"Oh yeah. Hey you wanna do it after having some shots?" Rose asked as she handed him a drink.

"Why not?" Archer grinned. He took a drink. "Hey is this a Glengoolie Hard Special?"

"Yeah. How did you know?" Rose asked surprised.

"I'm kind of a connoisseur. Careful, most people pass out after one hit of this…" Archer blinked. Then he passed out on the floor.

"That's why I added a knockout drug," Rose remarked. "Just in case one drink doesn't do it."

"It is amazing how many times these so called professional spooks fall for that," Deke laughed.

"I know right?" Rose snorted as she took the pictures. "Hang out at a specific bar where agents and political lackeys are drinking in a pretty dress and let the stories come to you. And this time I got a good one!"

"Oh yeah. If this is what I think this is, we got a winner here," Deke nodded.

"And the best part is I didn't have to work that hard for it. Practically jumped in my lap. This guy was horny even for a CIA agent!" Rose pulled out a wad of bills. "Thanks Deke. Could you do me a solid and…?"

"Yeah, yeah…Dump this guy in another bar somewhere downtown near Coney Island. I know the drill," He said as he took the money. "Pleasure doing business with you Rose."

"And to you Deke," She left the room. "This might be the easiest Pulitzer ever won in the history of the world. Take **that** in your pipe and smoke it Mother!"

Sometime later…

"What do you mean he **never showed up** at the drop site?" Mallory shouted into the phone. "What? That little…"

"Ugh what a day…" Archer walked in slightly hung over.

"I'll call you back," Mallory gritted her teeth. She hung up. "So? Everything go to plan?"

"Yeah all done," Archer started to pour himself another drink.

"No problems?" Mallory asked sweetly, laying the trap.

"None at all," Archer fell obliviously into it. "I made the drop off and everything went smooth as Scotch. And speaking of…" He took a drink.

"Oh well then…" Mallory went in for the kill. "Explain why the hell you didn't **show up**!"

"What?" Archer asked.

"Slater just called me! You never showed up at the drop site!" Mallory snapped.

"Yes I did! At least I'm pretty sure I did," Archer blinked. "I mean I woke up at a bar near Coney Island…"

"Oh dear God Sterling!" Mallory groaned. "This is not going to be like the time you left those classified documents in the bar is it?"

"Okay in the first place I was able to retrieve them from the lost and found so nothing happened!" Archer protested. "And second of all I'm pretty sure I did it."

"Then why does Slater say that you **didn't**?" Mallory asked acidly.

"I don't know! The guy has it out for me for no reason," Archer snorted. "All I know is that I dropped off the package. Slater probably dropped the ball knowing him. I mean if the microfilm was so important why didn't he just pick it up at the office? The guy makes things way too complicated if you ask me."

"How did you know there was microfilm in the package?" Mallory raised an eyebrow.

"Uh I guessed it from the weight…" Archer lied.

"Sterling Mallory Archer if you opened that package and your fat mouth to impress some whore **again** …" Mallory growled.

"When have I ever done that?" Archer asked.

"ALL THE TIME!" Mallory yelled.

"I'm pretty sure it's not all the time," Archer waved. "You're being overdramatic Mother."

"If anything I'm not being dramatic enough!" Mallory snapped. "Let me refresh your booze addled memory. Montreal? You yelled out that you were a secret agent with classified documents in the hotel lobby? Remember **that**?"

"Vaguely," Archer shrugged.

"Then there was Paris," Mallory spoke up. "Monte Carlo. Barcelona. Rome. Tuscany. Lisbon. London. Twice at the Four Seasons Hotel. Three times at the Boston Harbor Hotel. Las Vegas at least a dozen times. And then there was the huge debacle at that bar in Washington DC!"

"That was not my fault!" Archer shouted. "I didn't say anything!"

"Sterling I was there! I **heard** you!" Mallory shouted. "The entire bar heard you! As well as those secret service agents and those KGB agents! Which led to a huge firefight and us being banned for life at the Watergate Hotel!"

"Well I didn't do it **this time!"** Archer lied again.

"I knew I should have asked Lana to do this…" Mallory groaned. "For all her nagging Lana at least knows how to get things done."

"Oh here we go…" Archer rolled his eyes.

"And you are going to go back to that bar!" Mallory shouted.

"Okay…" Archer stood up.

"TO GET THAT PACKAGE BACK!" Mallory shouted.

"What package?" Cheryl was heard outside.

"NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS!" Both Mallory and Archer shouted at her.

"WELL THEN DON'T YELL SO LOUD!" Cheryl yelled back. "YOU'RE INTERRUPTING MY NAP!"

"I swear if she wasn't a billionaire…" Mallory gritted her teeth. "Her ass would have been mowed like the proverbial grass long ago! And yours is next on the chopping block Sterling!"

"Mother I swear I know I dropped off the package and I didn't talk to anyone!" Archer lied as he left. "Now if you'll excuse me, I am going to leave work early because my feelings are hurt!"

"Your feelings will be more than hurt if you don't find that package!" Mallory shouted after him.

"What package? Am I getting mail?" Cheryl asked.

"NO! GO BACK TO SLEEP!" Mallory yelled. "Oh dear God she's more efficient when she's asleep than awake! And still more reliable than Sterling! I knew I should have asked Lana to do this job."

Two days later…

"Morning Morons…" Archer waltzed into work to see Cyril, Lana, Krieger, Pam and Ray hanging around the break room. "What are you doing?"

"Uh it's this new thing called reading the newspaper?" Lana raised an eyebrow.

"Yeah and boy is it good today!" Pam laughed.

"Why? Did they finally legalize cocaine or…?" Archer looked at the paper Pam was reading. "Hey…That woman looks familiar. I know her."

"Of course you recognize her. Rose Redd is one of the most successful investigative reporters for the Times," Cyril remarked. "She's uncovered a lot of scandals involving the government and the CIA."

"And it looks like she's uncovered another one," Lana snorted. "Apparently the CIA was spying on the British Ambassador. Somehow she managed to get her hands on a microfilm with a lot of pictures taken inside the British Embassy."

"Busted!" Pam snorted with laughter.

"Look at all these pictures. Wow the CIA really dropped the ball on this one!" Ray remarked.

"Oh…Yeah…" Realization hit Archer hard.

"Boy I hate to be the idiot who let this fall into her lap," Lana snorted. "And the best part is for once the CIA can't blame us for an embarrassing debacle."

"No, they can't…" Archer lied.

"STERLING MALLORY ARCHER!" Mallory's voice was heard yelling.

"Excuse me, I'm going out to Belize for a few weeks…" Archer quickly left the room.

"COME BACK HERE!" Mallory was seen running after him. "YOU BASTARD!"

Pam casually peeked out the break room door. "Wow. Ms. Archer can really do a good flying tackle when she wants to."

"OW! OW! OW! MOTHER HOW IS THIS **MY FAULT**?" Archer shouted. "YEOWWW!"

"Man she's really wailing on him," Pam laughed as she took a picture. "I wonder what **that's** all about?"

"I don't know but sometimes it's best **not** to find out and stay out of the line of fire," Ray shrugged.

"Besides whatever it is," Krieger shrugged. "Odds are he had it coming."


End file.
